Marvel Monday: Terrorists, Communists, and Carnies

In September of 1962 Fantastic Four became monthly. Added to the monthly titles of Journey into Mystery and Tales to Astonish (both now linked to Superheroes), and the bimonthly Incredible Hulk, Marvel Comics was starting to look like a true superhero lineup. And that started with the return of a familiar face in a new superhero context.

You know he's a superhero this time, because the bad guys are Communists.

When we last left Henry Pym he had destroyed his shrinking serums because ants terrified him, and that was more important than revolutionizing the world. This comic deals with that on the first page by having him come to his senses, and realize that such an amazing discovery should not be kept hidden! Instead, he will develop the serums again... and keep those hidden, so that no one will know about them except himself. Thus still not benefiting science.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. And you can read a straight synopsis of his adventure over at The Marvel Wiki.

But at least he's not completely useless. He's spending his time working with the United States government to develop a gas that will make soldiers immune to radiation. So hey, he's a patriotic scientist, doing his duty, and designing something that is purely defensive at that. So that's heroic, right?

Who are they? The world will never know.

Unfortunately, it also makes him a target for the greatest villains in the Marvel Universe: The Godless Commies!

Finally! Enough fiddling around with Skrulls and evil sorcerous dictators with time machines and castles, Ant-Man knows who the real villains are!

Apparently America's top scientists are doing all their research in a school classroom or something with absolutely no security, because Communist agents just walk in and hold them at gunpoint. But surprise! Only Henry Pym knows the whole formula, and he refuses to talk!

So obviously rather than torture him, or hold him under guard, they leave him completely unaccompanied in his office while they search for the formula. Because of course they do.

But this gives Henry Pym the chance to try out his new and improved serum, and his Ant-Man helmet which he believes will allow him to communicate with the ants. Well, he calls it communication, but it works like mind control. I want to make a crack about heroes using mind control to accomplish their goals, but... let's face it. These are ants. I really don't care about the free will of ants. There's got to be a limit somewhere.

But I have one advantage! A human brain...
which has learned the art of judo!

After battling a mind-control resistant soldier ant (during which Ant-Man discovers that, despite being shrunk, he retains all his strength... thus completely ignoring physics and the conservation of mass and anything like that...) he leads his ants into the lab, where they bite the Commies, stick their guns up with honey, and untie the scientists who overcome their captors.

The whole thing ends with Henry wondering if he'll ever be Ant-Man again. But Stan Lee helpfully lets us know that he will be next month. Hooray for editorial omniscience!

As far as superhero stories goes, this is actually a bit charming and fun... but only because it is so ludicrous. His power is to become tiny but still be as strong as if he was big? That's a disadvantage, not an advantage. Why doesn't he just stay big and command ants? For that matter, what Communist spies are so lousy that they do not notice a swarm of ants piling in the room, then swarming over their bodies in a slow climb to gum their guns up with honey? While the villains are still holding the guns?

Oh, those wacky Commies.

But Ant-Man isn't the only one having fun with Communists. And if the next story is somewhat more believable, its Commies are twice as ridiculous.

Dialogue possibly slightly altered.

This time the commies are stereotypically Latin American rather than stereotypically Russian, but despite the oxymoronical name of their nation of "San Diablo" (literally Saint Devil), the story is a rather good one, if hilariously full of propaganda. You can read the synopsis over at The Marvel Wiki.

Last week I criticized Thor for being so heroic that he was dull. That is no longer a problem here. Oh, he's still heroic to a fault, but by focusing on Doctor Don Blake's frailty they manage to keep him from being dull.

We meet Jane Foster, a nurse that Doctor Blake is in love with. But he cannot confess his love to her, feeling that not only does she deserve better than a cripple, but that taking the risk of declaring his love might drive her away. Employee/employer relationships so rarely turn out well, after all.

For her part, Jane likes Doctor Blake, but cannot stand his timidity. She wishes he were a stronger man, a manlier man, one who would take charge and... yeah, you know where this is going, she falls for Thor hard.

But what is best about this comic is not Thor's heroism, but Doctor Blake's. He goes down with a Red Cross-type organization to deliver relief supplies to the peasants of San Diablo, beleaguered by the ongoing civil war between the "Democratic" US backed banana-republic guys, and the Communist rebels, led by a man known as "The Executioner" because of all the people he has had shot.

I mean, what communist revolutionary would ever
actually try to win the hearts of the people? Right?

Oh, that banana republic bit? That was all me. As far as the comic is concerned, this is a clear-cut battle of true and pure goodness against vile communist evil. The communists are so evil, that The Executioner orders that the Red Cross workers be killed. Why? Because he doesn't want the peasants receiving care. Why? Duh, because he's evil!

Luckily once the Commies start attacking the Red Cross ship Blake "falls overboard" and transforms into Thor, then later he uses his disguised hammer to start a thunderstorm to stop another attack, but he is forced to let the Executioner escape when he kidnaps Jane! Oh no! The damsel in distress gambit! I know it's the 60s, but Jane really would make a great strong female character, what with her being a nurse, willing to go into great danger to help people, and all that. But no, I guess she's just going to be kidnap fodder like most other women in comics at the time.

But... wha... buh... he was right in front of you!!

Anyway, pinned against the wall, about to be executed, Doctor Blake has no choice but to transform into Thor in front of everyone... and no one gets it! Seriously! He is in front of them, there is a blinding flash, and then Thor is there, and not a single one of them makes the connection! Not even Jane!

I know, I know, secret identities are flimsy in comics and we accept that, but come on! No one says, "Hey, I wonder if that Blake guy who vanished just as Thor appeared was him?" There's not even a nod and a wink to the audience about it?

Later Doctor Blake covers for his absence with Jane by saying he was hiding, which only makes Jane see him more as a coward and Thor as more of the man of her dreams. It's an old gambit in comics (Clark's excuses do much the same thing with Lois), but it has a little more poignancy here. Clark never seemed to mind Lois's misconceptions about him. Doctor Blake, on the other hand, is driving the woman he loves away with each transformation.

So yeah, it's not perfect, but I do find myself engaged by the Doctor who tries to be a hero both in and out of costume, and the complexity of his relationship with Jane. All in all, a good issue. Unfortunately, the rest of this month does not fare so well.

You can fly! You belong in the sky! We could belong to each other!

So for some reason they decided to make The Incredible Hulk #3 an anthology comic of three short Hulk stories, and the second one is just a rehash of his origin story. And that was the best one. Here's the link to the Marvel Wiki.

So as of the last issue, Bruce Banner had constructed a Hulk-proof vault for the big green guy to rage in at night, thus protecting the world from the monster. Because Bruce Banner is conscientious like that. But the wily - and by wily I mean buffoonish - General "Thunderbolt" Ross has finally figured out that Rick Jones, the kid who is an open advocate for the Hulk and is always around when the Hulk is around and led the Hulk away from a scene of destruction might just have something to do with the Hulk.

Which makes him a darn sight smarter than Central American Communists and Nurses, but that's neither here nor there.

You need me to read the Hulk's e-mail?

Thunderbolt meets with Rick and says there's a new missile vital to national security that must be tested, but the only person who can withstand the G-Forces is the Hulk. He begs Rick to find the Hulk and bring him to the rocket for testing.

And if you, dear reader, have questions about why they would need a living test pilot, or what good it would accomplish to test a missile that pulls enough Gs to kill a normal human, then congratulations! You have a rudimentary level of human intelligence, which makes you ten times as smart as Rick Jones.

Yeah, this is all a trick by Ross to launch the Hulk into outer space. Which, hey, you've got to credit the old man's ingenuity. Rick falls for it, of course, and after leading the Hulk to the missile it launches, hurtling the Hulk into space.

Series over!

But wait, the series isn't over. As soon as he clears Earth's atmosphere and sees the Sun, he becomes Bruce Banner again. Luckily by this point I guess G-forces aren't a problem, because he does not instantly die. He does, however, pass through the cosmic radiation belt. The same one the Fantastic Four passed through, remember?

Meanwhile on Earth, Rick decides he has to save Bruce because, well, the situation is all Rick's fault. So he releases the rocket's capsule for re-entry. And as he does so, the cosmic rays form a link between the capsule and the control panel, and shock Rick, and... wait a second, that makes absolutely no damn sense!

Then repeat to yourself, "It's just
a show, I should really just relax."

How could that have happened? It's not a fly-by-wire rocket or anything. There's no connection besides the radio contact, and that's only one way. Did the cosmic rays travel via radio? Or was it some kind of psychic link? The comic describes it as "an electric shock," but otherwise gives no explanation. Why? Why did that happen? Come on, at least give us a half-assed bit of comic book technobabble or something.

And another thing. Apparently no one bothered to monitor the rocket at all, or guard the military base, because the next panel we see is Rick walking toward the crashed capsule in the desert. So what, "Thunderbolt" Ross just left, deciding it would probably be fine? At least that's consistent with comic book villains.

It being daytime by this point, Rick expects to see Bruce, but is horrified when the Hulk emerges. Clearly the cosmic rays have transformed him further. But Rick soon discovers that the Hulk responds to his voice commands, and obeys him completely, like a big green zombie, presumably because of the cosmic ray link that formed between them. Rick takes this news surprisingly well, considerably less well than when he discovers that every time he falls asleep the Hulk regains control, and goes a-smashing once more.

Rick manages to get the Hulk away from a village he is terrorizing before he causes too much damage, and the story ends with Hulk back in his vault, and a tormented Rick fearing to ever fall asleep again, and wondering if Bruce Banner is gone for good.

And you know, despite all the problems with this story, that's still a tormented and pathos-laden place to end it. I would give this story a thumbs up... if it stopped there. This is an anthology, remember? Story two is a flashback to the origin, but then we have story three. Oh boy.

You think this is a good comic!
You have noticed no plotholes!

Our story opens with Hulk's first bona fide supervillain, the Ringmaster, and his circus of traveling carnival freaks. Turns out the Ringmaster's hat is hypnotic. They roll into town, hypnotize their audience, and then rob the town clean... all while refusing to break character or stop doing their carnival gimmick. Because hey, it's a comic book, right?

Problem is, Rick Jones needs to unwind after so little sleep, so he decides to visit the carnival. And sure enough, he gets hypnotized... but not before he can send a mental command to the Hulk to rescue him! Which, since apparently they're both psychic now, the Hulk answers. Not really sure where the psychic powers came from, or why suddenly the Hulk doesn't need voice commands and can respond to pure thought, but whatever.

Also, apparently Rick had Hulk outside his Hulk-proof vault while he went to the circus, because leaving a zombified eight-foot engine of destruction where anyone, like say the military, can find him sounds like a great plan.

Rick, your brains never fail to unimpress.

So we get a few fun panels of Hulk beating up carnies, but then Ringmaster knocks him out with the spray from a firehose.

Well, he is green-skinned. Maybe he's just melting.

Just let that sink in. Remember when Mister Fantastic was knocked out by a brick? Yeah. It's like that. Only more stupid.

What, was this comic almost over deadline or something? You couldn't do any better than a firehose?

Anyway, Ringmaster decides to chain Hulk up King Kong style, reasoning that the draw to see the monster will cause even more people to come to the shows and be hypnotized. Even though he had absolutely no problem drawing capacity crowds before. And we've literally seen entire towns picked clean, so clearly they don't need to attract more people. And the Ringmaster has already seen evidence that Hulk is the most powerful thing around, save for firehoses, so really this is nothing but a foolish risk that will almost certainly result in the Ringmaster's destruction.

Whatever. The cops have de-hypnotized Rick, and he shows up and commands Hulk to tear the place apart, and Hulk does.

Rick commands Hulk to capture Ringmaster alive, which the monster does, and then commands Hulk to fly... or, I'm sorry, "leap" them away before the military show up. Because Hulk leaps instead of flies. Not that there's really any practical difference in how it is used.

And that is how they removed the duality and pathos from Hulk. And the struggle between brilliant scientist and monster. Instead, it's now a teen-and-his-dangerous-pet story. Ugh.

At least I figure it can't last forever. I mean, the dichotomy-of-man stuff was back by the time they turned Hulk into a TV show, right?

All right, so one more comic to get through and that's... oh dear Thor.

Double Double Your Refreshment! Double Double Your Delightment!

All right, we've established that the Fantastic Four are actually a terrorist group, that the New York Police Department are delusional, and that Ben Grimm is a murdering monster. But come on, Lee! You don't have to rub my face in it!

Why aren't we fleeing in terror?
Or at least calling the cops?

In this issue we are greeted with a crowd of New Yorkers gawking over the Human Torch, distracting them while Invisible Girl slams into them, knocking them to the ground and no doubt stealing their wallets. Far from being upset at this, the crowd seems genuinely impressed with the Fantastic Four. Clearly Stockholm Syndrome has set in. Where is the National Guard?

The Four are supposed to be looking for Doctor Doom, but that's hard work and the kind of thing heroes might do, so instead they decide to screw with the people who are sending them fan mail. Because apparently some poor deluded souls are sending them fan mail.

Mister Fantastic stretches himself to a hospital to scare the ever-loving daylights out of a bedridden kid who wrote him a letter, thus serving as the inspiration for Robin Williams' performance in Patch Adams, while Thing clearly wants to murder a gang of kids who sent him a letter.

But before Thing can decide to murder children, we cut to Doctor Doom finding Sub-Mariner over the Atlantic.

Doom finds that Namor the Sub-Mariner has mellowed out since being defeated by the Fantastic Four, mostly because rather than devising ways to take over the world, he has been devising ways to bang Sue Storm. A worthy goal for a be-speedoed Sub-Mariner, to be certain.

Oh wow. Are you crying? Geeze. Sorry.
This just got, like, super-awkward.

Doom reminds him that he's a Thor-damned King whose nation was blown up by the surface-worlders, and so he should man up and help him kill the Fantastic Four. Namor agrees, on the condition that he be allowed to save Sue.

Namor struts down the streets of New York, suffering the jeers and boos of the crowd. Oh sure, they jeer and boo a World War II hero, but cheer the Fantastic Four. Real nice, New York. No wonder he attacked you with nuclear-resistant monsters.

But it turns out Namor's affection for Sue is not all one-sided. Sue has a photograph of Namor she's been mooning over. It seems that a threat of forced marriage and a pair of scaled speedoes is the way to a woman's heart after all. But before the Fantastic Four can deride Sue for liking a villain (at least, a villain from outside the group), Namor himself appears... to offer the olive branch.

Naturally Thing and Human Torch try to murder him, but Mister Fantastic holds back Thing, and Johnny... Johnny...

Seriously, Johnny, you're the one who
reads all the old Sub-Mariner comics,
so you have no excuse here.

Johnny burns a hole in the floor, completely forgetting that Namor can fly. It's actually sort of hilarious. Namor just floats there as Johnny's flame runs out and he collapses. Point for Namor.

However, this is of course all part of Doctor Doom's diabolical plot. Namor has hidden a magnetic "grabber" in the basement. Since, as established in previous Marvel Mondays, magnets may as well be god-like artifacts of power, the magnet manages to detach the Baxter Building from its foundations without causing any damage to the building or the surrounding block, and lift it into the air via Doom's rocketplane.

Namor is none too happy about this, since Doom did not wait long enough for him to get Sue to safety. So he tells the Fantastic Four everything. Meanwhile Doom's rocketplane has taken the Baxter Building into space.

Johnny leaps out to take on Doom, forgetting that there's no oxygen in space, and his flame immediately snuffs out. Because apparently in this issue it's Johnny's turn to be the idiot.

Reed fares no better, being hit by Doom's rocket exhaust and badly burning himself.

Literally one page later Namor uses his strength to save
the day. So this is Thing, clearly being an evil villain.

Thing decides to attack Namor instead, because of course he does. Why did I ever think he would use his strength for good instead of evil? That would be silly.

So finally it's up to Sue.

Ha! As if! Right, like it will ever be up to Sue. No, Namor dons a space helmet (and nothing else save his speedo) and leaps toward Doom's rocketplane. Doom zaps him with electricity as he grabs the ship, but Namor channels it like an electric eel and zaps the ship in return. With the ship in danger of destruction, Doom ejects, grabs on to a passing meteor, and is whisked off into deep space.

Namor pilots the ship back to Earth and puts the Baxter Building back... again, with absolutely no damage, because that's how buildings are constructed apparently. He then takes the rocketplane and the magnetic grabber out to sea and destroys them.

So all hail Namor, the hero of the comic book! Namor saves the day! Namor defeats Doom! And Namor even offers to parley, and probably would have made peace if Doom hadn't stabbed him in the back! Namor navigated the treacherous waters of the Human Torch's blind hatred, Thing's misdirected rage, and Mister Fantastic's impotent stupidity, and defeated them all just like a hero should!

Thank goodness there's a happy ending, although that villainous Fantastic Four is still out there to cause trouble another day. But they are no match for... Namor! Defender of Earth!

I'm not sure I got the right message from this comic.

Dialog edited. But the horrible truth remains!