Apocryphail Phriday: Knee Deep In The Dead

I haven't seen the movie with the Rock.
But it had to be better than this.

In 1993 a video game came out from ID Software that would more or less invent the First Person Shooter genre. This game was Doom. It became wildly popular. This being the nineties, that meant it got spinoffs. And so, in 1995, Dafydd ab Hugh and Brad Linaweaver published "Doom: Knee Deep In The Dead", a full novelization of the first video game in the franchise.

It remains a textbook example of how never, ever to write a video game novel.

The problem is not the hard-on for the Marine Corps that makes Michael Bay look like a weed-smoking flower child. Nor is the problem the confused gender politics and inability to decide whether the heroes are snarky nerds or grunting jarheads.

The problem is not even the network of cliches that renders this story completely and utterly unengaging.

The problem is that this novel, this novel about the most badass Marine in the world mowing down an entire army of demons on the moons of Mars, is terrifyingly, life-suckingly dull.

Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull from Dullsville with a side order of dull and something dull on top.

Let's jump right in, shall we?

Apocryphail Phriday: Fray

I'm sort of cheating twice with this one. First, word of god says that today's subject is actually canon, and it has been referred to in the comic books that followed the TV Series and the series itself. Second... it's actually not that bad. In fact some things are really awesome. But then there are some things that just... yeesh.

Anyway, this is Joss Whedon's Fray.

It's like Buffy meets 5th Element meets Hellboy meets Shadowrun meets...

Fray was an 8-comic miniseries published by Dark Horse, and was the first Buffy: The Vampire Slayer comic actually written by Joss Whedon. In a crapsack future version of New York City, the supernatural and magic has been gone from the world for so long that everyone has forgotten about it. But in the shadows the Vampires are returning. And Melaka Fray, a petty thief, discovers that she is the heir to the legacy of the Slayers. Which mostly manifests as her having all the worst problems of Superman and Goku.

Welcome to the 23rd century, ladies and gentlemen!

Apocryphail Phriday: The Return

In 1994 the first Star Trek: The Next Generation movie was released: Star Trek Generations. And while some fans were willing to forgive the movie's glaring flaws in order to celebrate the pairing of Captain Kirk and Captain Picard, the flaws still existed. Perhaps the worst flaw is that Kirk dies by having a bridge dropped on him, while fighting a minor villain who just existed for the movie.

It was a terrible way to send out one of the galaxy's most beloved heroes. William Shatner apparently agreed, because he pitched an idea for the second movie, one which involved Kirk coming back from the dead and getting a far more appropriate send-off. It was doomed to failure, of course. The writing staff, quite rightly, decided that no matter how bad Generations was, the torch was passed to the Next Generation crew now, and they should have their own adventures.

All of the recycled plot. None of the emotional depth.

I mean, who would be foolish enough to keep on stealing plots from an old series while presumably attempting to establish a movie franchise of their own, right?

Since Paramount didn't want his plot William Shatner decided to write a novel of it. This spun off into the "Shatnerverse", an alternate timeline version of Star Trek. By all rights this should have been awesome. The return of one of science fiction's most enduring and beloved heroes, written with the sort of insider's perspective that only William Shatner could provide.

Let's see why it didn't work. This is William Shatner's "The Return".

Apocryphail Phriday: Battletech The Animated Series

It was the 1990s. I had just beaten one of the greatest video games ever, Mechwarrior 2, set in 3057 during the war between Clan Wolf and Clan Jade Falcon. And then I saw the advertisement for this game, Battletech, set in the same universe. It was a tabletop wargame, and I liked wargames. After requesting the game, I received it for my sixteenth birthday. I found it a great game, but I wondered, why couldn't I play with the 'Mechs from the video games? Then I found out there were expanded rules for that.

I got the expanded rules. And then I got sourcebooks. I began to read the novels tied in with the wargame, and immersed myself in the rich universe of Battletech. Solaris: Multi-Player BattleTech Online on AOL and Gamestorm was my very first online multiplayer game. And, in 1998, I attended my very first Science Fiction convention with the express purpose of participating in their Battletech tournament. I placed third.

It was there that I became aware of Battletech: The Animated Series, a thirteen-episode one-season epic cartoon released by Saban in 1994. I found myself a copy, and watched eagerly, looking forward to animated adventures set in the world of what was, at the time, my favorite game.

You can guess how that went. This column is not called Apocryphail Phriday because the stuff I review is good, after all.

Apocryphail Phriday: The Crystal Shard

Despite the title, there are no Gelflings. More's the pity.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful and pure and good-hearted person, but he was of a supernatural race that everyone feared. But all their prejudice was wrong, because he was really beautiful, and he had gorgeous eyes, and he was very strong, and a tireless protector of the innocent, and just the best at absolutely everything.

No, don't worry, I'm not reviewing Twilight.

No, this ridiculous Marty Stu is not an immortal vampire who nevertheless can wander around in the sun and is the very soul of purity despite being a creeper.

No, this one is a so-long-lived-he-may-as-well-be-immortal dark elf who nevertheless wanders around in the sun and is the very soul of purity despite being a psychopath.

We're delving deep into the Forgotten Realms today, examining the novel line that spun off from the popular Dungeons & Dragons Roleplaying Game. Specifically, we're looking at R. A. Salvatore's "The Crystal Shard", which is the first appearance of his most well known creation: Edward Cullen.

I mean Drizzt Do'Urden. That's who I meant.

Apocryphail Phriday: The Crystal Star

Worse than Hitler. Apparently. According to fan sites.

While doing a bit of research for today's Apocryphail, I discovered an odd thing. Apparently The Crystal Star is perhaps the most hated Star Wars novel of all time.

That annoyed me. I had wanted to save the worst Star Wars novels of all time for a few weeks. I remembered reading The Crystal Star as a kid, and I did not like it much, but it was nothing near the horror that was, say, the Black Fleet Crisis trilogy.

So what's the deal? Well, I read this book for the first time in well over a decade so that we could find out together.